Save us all from.....THE ZUCCHINI!

On their vacations, most people would head for the nearest beach with a book from their summer reading list. But not me, Crazy Canning Lady! Already this week, I've managed to produce 11 jars of the much-heralded blueberry-lime jam, and five pints of.....wait, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. First, my typically lengthy exposition.

I have had a long-standing belief that there should be city ordinances regulating the planting of zucchini each year. I think one plant per neighborhood is all that should be allowed. But we all seem to feel it necessary to plant several "hills" of different varieties, and then by late summer, the sinister summer squashes creep inside our houses and threaten to smother us all in our sleep! No matter how often you harvest, another full-grown squash miraculously takes the place of the one you picked the day before. And if you don't pick them one day, they are the size of RV's by the next! So this year, with the farmers' market baking and canning consuming all of my time, I decided just to plant tomatoes and peppers, and nothing else. But let me tell you, the only thing worse than having to contend with your own prolific squash plants is making the mistake of telling people that you didn't plant any this year, and then being DELUGED with their "gifts" of zucchini.

Initially, I was quite grateful, as I do bake zucchini bread weekly for the market, and it kills me to have to BUY zucchini. But now that the harvest is in full swing, I am DROWNING in it! This week, I had a big cardboard boxful of a yummy, light-green, ribbed variety dropped at my back door (thanks to Kelly and Dana, my friends/colleagues/neighbors/fellow carpoolers), and a huge basketful of monster-sized organic black beauties given to me at the farmers' market by Ruthie, the cheese vendor in the stall next to me. (I gave her some red currant jelly in return, which I think was an excellent trade.) I saved a few of the smaller squashes just to eat with our dinners this week, and it took me several hours yesterday to peel, core and shred the rest. I ended up with 21 pint-sized bags for the freezer (no more room left in there!), and still had ten cups left over. But I took that as a sign from on high, because ten cups is the perfect amount to make a batch of zucchini relish. What's that, you say? Zucchini relish? Yes, indeed, it's good stuff! You use it anywhere you might use regular pickle relish, say on a burger or hot dog, or stirred into potato or macaroni salad. Or you could use it as a zesty condiment for any grilled meats or fish. Some folks love it so much, they eat it straight from the jar with a spoon!

A quick Google search will yield a legion of recipes for zucchini relish, but I was struck with how similar most of them are. Then again, I suppose to make a shelf-stable product, you would have to maintain basic proportions of ingredients. But I do think you can be a little creative with your relish, as long as those proportions are generally maintained. As for me, I worked with two recipes that were nearly identical, one from my dear friend Kurt's mother, Muriel, and one from the GardenWeb's Linda Lou, of the apple pie jam fame. I particularly liked that Muriel adds carrots to hers, giving the resulting product a lovely confetti look and sweeter taste. Linda Lou's, on the other hand, has extra onion for more kick, and I love the addition of celery seed, one of my favorite spices.

However, there were several places where I parted company with both Muriel and Linda Lou. Though Linda Lou uses less sugar than Muriel, I really wanted a relish that was not too sweet. (As you may recall, with cucumbers, I like sour dills, not sweet pickles or even bread-and-butter varieties.) In my review of recipes online, I saw recipes with as little as three cups of sugar all the way up to six cups. So I opted for the low end on the sugar. Also, instead of a regular green pepper, I swapped out hot peppers (anaheims, jalapenos, serranos and super chilis) instead for some punch. In the same vein, I also added a few cloves of minced garlic, as is my way. And though both Muriel and Linda Lou (and many others out there) call for it, I simply cannot support the addition of nutmeg to this relish. Some people swear by it, that it makes the relish truly special, but I am just not a big fan of nutmeg in savory applications. As a final note, I should mention that I peeled my zucchini before grating it, but you might choose not to. It certainly makes a prettier relish if you don't peel it. But peeled or not, if your zucchini are large, you will definitely want to remove the spongy core and the seeds, neither of which are good eats. Anyway, that's why my relish isn't green but looks more like a sort of golden sauerkraut (due to the tumeric and mustard seed and maybe a little from the carrots). Actually, I suppose you could use cabbage instead of zucchini, if you were so inclined, but that would make it chow-chow, wouldn't it? Ok, ok, enough nonsense. On to the recipe:


Zucchini Relish
(an homage to Muriel and Linda Lou)

10 cups zucchini, peeled or not, cored, seeded and either ground (who has a grinder anymore?) or shredded (which I much prefer)
3 cups onions, peeled, ends removed and grated or finely chopped
2 cups carrots, ground or shredded
1 red pepper, seeded, cored and finely chopped
1 cup mixed hot peppers, seeded, cored and finely chopped (or one green pepper if you're a wuss)
4 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
5 tablespoons canning/pickling salt
2 1/2 cups cider vinegar
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
2 teaspoons mustard seeds (I used yellow--brown would be spicier)
2 teaspoons celery seeds
3/4 teaspoon tumeric

Combine all of the shredded/chopped vegetables with the salt in a large, non-metallic bowl. Cover and refrigerate overnight. The next day, drain very well. (Some people choose to rinse the mixture to remove more of the salt, but I like my pickled relishes a little on the salty side!)

Bring the vinegar, sugar, and spices to a boil in a large stock pot. Add the drained zucchini mixture, stir well, and bring back to a vigorous boil. Some recipes call for up to 30 minutes of simmering the relish, but I think it gets too mushy and colorless if you cook it that long. I would opt for 10-15 minutes until much of the liquid evaporates and the mixture just starts to thicken. Pack in hot, sterilized jars (using that plastic stick thing that came with your canning kit, or any non-metallic spatula, to remove air bubbles from the thick relish). Process in a boiling water bath, 10 minutes for half-pints, and 15 minutes for pints. As with all pickled products, let the flavors develop for at least a month before opening and consuming.

Yield: 5 pints